dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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