eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
