She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
