bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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