Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
