I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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