Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
