Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
