Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
