My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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