If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
