just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
