I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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