Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
