Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
