he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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