The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
