just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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