On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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