ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
