I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You pole danced in your parka.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
