I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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