Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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