o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
