so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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