Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
