it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
