the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
