i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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