textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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