dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
soo... how was my night?
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