The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
