Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
