So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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