i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
