thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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