I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
