and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
