We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
