happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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