It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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