WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im six kinds of drunk right now
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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