The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
