found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
