If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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