There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
