last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
40s are totally the cure
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
