1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
