so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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