Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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