honey bunches of taint.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
