I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
