Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
