On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
